What's Past is Present
by Bryan Greenberg
Summary: Jason's thoughts in the hours leading up to the explosion in the 10/31/2008 explosion. Implied JaSam. ONESHOT


Disclaimer: I do not own GH or any of the characters used in this fiction.

Summary: Jason's thoughts in the hours leading up to the explosion in the 10/31/2008 episode.

**What's Past is Present**

You get to the church early. You've been doing a lot of reminiscing since Robin told you she was getting married. You couldn't be happier for her, but it still makes you think about when it was just you, Robin, and Michael. Your little makeshift family. You were happy then, but thinking back, you know it always had to end; it's impossible to build a foundation on a lie. You wonder how you always manage to be living so dishonestly when you pride yourself on being always truthful.

You wonder how you haven't yet learned that living a lie, even one for the sake of a child, never works. You think of Michael lying in a coma, something which could have been prevented had you, Carly, and, later, Sonny, not decided to lie. When Sam was pregnant with Lila, you convinced her to lie about the paternity, again for Michael's sake, but in the end, Michael had been excited to be a big brother again, and it had been another lie, and another little girl that broke up Sonny and Carly's marriage yet again. And then Lila was gone, and you were left with a hole in your heart.

You think it must be the brain damage that keeps you from learning from your mistakes. Because it was only a few years later that you lost Sam for good to yet another lie. She had trusted you to love her daughter as your own, and you would have. Your love thrived on that trust which had only strengthened in the years you spent together and under the constant stress of your lives. You never thought that dishonesty and mistrust would be the thing that would eventually tear apart the best relationship you've ever had. But it did, and now you're alone with a son you can't claim and a connection to a woman who will only ever want half of you; she'll only ever want you in secret.

You hear the noise of someone intruding on your solitude and look up. It's her, the mother of your child and the author of your latest lie. She's convinced you that it is the only way to protect your son, and you believe her. Nothing is more important to you than his safety. She reaches for your hand, and you look at her sadly. You gave up so much for her and her plan. You gave up everything, doesn't that mean you love her?

She tells you she dreams of you, that she thought you were a dream now. You're not sure what to say to that. She used to feature in your nightmares when all you could think of was the night that changed everything. But you can't regret that night anymore no matter how much it hurt you and everything that matters to you. You can't regret your son. She's not in your dreams anymore. You tell her she looks beautiful.

She's looking at you with those pleading eyes you haven't been able to escape lately. The eyes that are begging you to love her, to make love to her, no matter the cost. You can't help but wonder where this need and desperation fits into her plans to keep your son safe.

Her need is exhausting, and you're glad for the interruption of the bride and her family. You're here for Robin, not to relive the same moment and conversation you've been having for months now.

You're even grateful for Mac's protective blustering; he's thinking of his niece, he wants to protect Robin just like you do. Maxie's comment about your inappropriate clothes reminds you of your purpose for being here. She has mostly convinced you to attend the wedding, but you want to make sure Robin wants you there before showing up, dressed for the occasion.

Robin asks for her family and Liz to leave. She wants to talk to you alone. She's grateful to Maxie for convincing you to come. The two of you have gone through so much together, and you're finally able to accept the important place you've had in each other's lives without awkwardness or any thought of going back to what you were. You're glad she wants you there.

You come back for the ceremony, this time you've left your jeans in the car. The longer the wait lasts, the more detailed your plans get to kill Patrick and hide the body. There can't be that many people who will miss him; Coleman is his best man.

Despite your growing anger, you can't help but smile when Robin approaches the front of the church. She's beautiful, glowing with pregnancy and complete happiness. She's sure that Patrick will show. She's so sure that you decide to believe her for now, but that won't stop you from enacting your plans if her trust is ultimately broken. You're glad when he shows.

You're always shocked by how quickly a mood can change. One minute the bride is finally walking down the aisle, and the room is abuzz with good thoughts and joy, and the next Father Coates is calling for one of the many doctors in the room. You leave the church worriedly as Coleman is shouting something about a rugrat. You know you're heading for the hospital as soon as you change out of this suit.

Waiting. No matter how many times you've waited in a hospital, hoping for good news, it doesn't get any easier. While you're waiting for word on Robin, you can't help but remember another time, years ago, when you were waiting for the arrival of another little girl. You pray for a different outcome for this little girl.

You leave the waiting room and pull out your cell phone, hoping for a distraction. You need to call Cody anyway. You're becoming increasingly worried about what Sonny's next move will be, and you're trying to keep informed on what he is doing. You're not sure you can protect him and keep this town out of an unnecessary mob war at the same time. Cody tells you he doesn't have anything concrete, but with Zacchara in the hospital and Sonny having just visited him, you both know that things are about to reach their boiling point. You're more than a little annoyed that he'd been here, yet you hadn't seen him inquire about Robin or her daughter.

You look up as Cody finishes reporting everything he knows, and you see her. Sam. She's clad in leather, and you can't help but stare; not because she looks beautiful, though she does, but because she looks like Sam. She's talking to that new doctor; Drake's brother you'd heard. It looks serious, and you wonder what it's about. You remember Maxie rambling to Spinelli about her getting arrested recently on suspicion of drug smuggling and decide that's probably the topic of conversation; why else would she need to speak to the young doctor?

You're only half paying attention as you finish your conversation with Cody, and, as you hang up, you realize you completely failed in your attempt to distract yourself from memories of baby Lila and the pain of her loss.

When you come back into the waiting room, Elizabeth is also coming in, you assume with news on Robin. Her eyes are on you, and she's headed right towards you, though you're not sure why. She should be directing this to Anna, Mac, and Maxie. You're glad when Maxie intercepts her; you just want to listen while she talks to the family. There's no need for you to interact directly with Liz. As she speaks, you don't really understand all the medical details, but you do understand that there is a problem, and it's all feeling a little too familiar.

Sam is still there. She's on the phone with someone, but you wonder if she sees what's going on with Robin, and if she's sharing your thoughts of the daughter you were going to share. Elizabeth finishes explaining and heads back to Robin, and Sam hangs up her phone and leaves. You hover in the background, further from the family and their familiar pain, until Liz returns with the next update.

You can tell from the look on her face when she returns that the news isn't good. All you hear is deceleration, heart rate, and umbilical chord around her neck, and you can't take anymore. You need to get some air. The memories are suffocating you.

The cool night air clears your head a bit, but you still can't get the image of your little girl's tiny body out of your mind. She'd been cold to the touch, and you can still remember the overwhelming love and loss you'd felt. You're barely aware of where you are walking until you hear a shout.

"I don't know what you think your deal is!"

Sam.


End file.
